@abbycohenwl

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

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@crushingbort

one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell

@Darlainky

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

@OakHill_

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

@_4kidscrazy

Me: Did you have a shirt on when you said it?
Wife: I was naked, just out of the shower.
Me: And you expected me to remember what you said?

@PleaseBeGneiss

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

@ramenfuneral

happy easter everybody! remember it’s not about the bunny but when scott stapp was nailed to that cross

@TheHatStore

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

@murrman5

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

@robfee

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.