I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
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one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Me: Did you have a shirt on when you said it?
Wife: I was naked, just out of the shower.
Me: And you expected me to remember what you said?
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
happy easter everybody! remember it’s not about the bunny but when scott stapp was nailed to that cross
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.