Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
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I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.