Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

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one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell


Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.


Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?



Me: Did you have a shirt on when you said it?
Wife: I was naked, just out of the shower.
Me: And you expected me to remember what you said?


Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe


happy easter everybody! remember it’s not about the bunny but when scott stapp was nailed to that cross


me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son


do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”


No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.