@iowahawkblog
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
@abbycohenwl
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
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@iowahawkblog
@crushingbort
one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell
@Darlainky
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
@OakHill_
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
@_4kidscrazy
Me: Did you have a shirt on when you said it?
Wife: I was naked, just out of the shower.
Me: And you expected me to remember what you said?
@PleaseBeGneiss
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
@ramenfuneral
happy easter everybody! remember it’s not about the bunny but when scott stapp was nailed to that cross
@TheHatStore
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
@murrman5
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
@robfee
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.