the council will decide your fate
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Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is