Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
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It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My current situation
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I only eat vegetarians.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad