Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

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Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”


I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.


Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no


Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”


Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me


I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.


wife: [holding our newborn] isn’t he amazing

me: [setting up a squat rack in the hospital room] we’ll see


There’s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.