@withanewname

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

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@DomesticGoddss

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

@ajax06

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

@zachreinert03

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

@whatmaddness

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@BuckyIsotope

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

@Gupton68

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

@donttouchjames

wife: [holding our newborn] isn’t he amazing

me: [setting up a squat rack in the hospital room] we’ll see

@PortlandiaGirl

There’s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.