Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
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Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Do not levitate over flowers