Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
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Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
lol
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.