Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
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luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?