Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
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request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
do horses think humans are hats
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Guy who likes music
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella