NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
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Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.