NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
You Might Also Like
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!