Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
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Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.