I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.