Neighbor: Yard sale huh? How much’s mower?
Me: $50
Him: Wait! That’s the one you borrowed from me!
Me: $20
Him: Its a $500 mower!
Me: ..$100

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The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.


[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*


You can’t make blanket statements & expect people to take you seriously, but since I hate clowns I’m pretty sure everyone else does too.


i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later


Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.


So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?


He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.


And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”