friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
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Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time