Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
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Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
that’s really how it is
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.