I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.