Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
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the goat of all dad jokes
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG
My bank called me today to alert me my card was used for a gym membership and they doubted it was legit because they see where I go to eat.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.