[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
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Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.