@tehaveragejoel *bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
@Darlainky [neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
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@tehaveragejoel 
@TumbIrHumor the goat of all dad jokes
@UnFitz [first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
@girl_a_whirl *doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
@ReticentTurnip Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
@Mirimade Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
@afualareine #PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
@xysist Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG
@Darchstar078 My bank called me today to alert me my card was used for a gym membership and they doubted it was legit because they see where I go to eat.
@sofarrsogud ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?