[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
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uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
english majors be like furthermore
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.