Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Feels like the fourth month in January
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.