@WilliamAder

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

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@CrockettForReal

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

@GrantTanaka

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

@thetobbie

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

@candyflippin

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

@savvystrider

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

@vikkaroni

You’re never too old to throw random shit in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.

@thatUPSdude

Your potato salad recipe is not a “family secret”, your uncle Ray who cooks meth in his trailer home is a family secret.

@Aikiwomannc

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!