Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
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Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
How about daylight saves us for once
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.