@nicfit75

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

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@TheDairylandDon

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

@davidleecourt

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

@AnOrangeSNES

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

@BoomBoomBetty

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

@djdarrellripley

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

@Lil_Booty_Boss

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

@jennyjaffe

My boyfriend just said “HEYYYY” and I yelled “MUST BE THE MONAYYYY” because I did not realize that he had just started a Zoom conference call.

@fart

btw, my linkedin endorsements for “Dreamweaver” are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software

@truegritrumble

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.