Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Animal poetry
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Never forget.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
SPLOOT
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
🙅🏻
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.