Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
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HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear