RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
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I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?