Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
I’m just sayin’
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I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Dentist: do you floss?
Me: do we have to do this?
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
*opens new beer
*finds old beer
*drinks 2 beers
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?