Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
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I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
me as a parent
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?