Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
“Not bad, thanks, you?”
“Yeah not bad!”
“Haha, see you later!”
Then into the safety of your car, to wonder why you laughed so much for no reason
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Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs.
Babysitter: Wha.. What’s upstairs?
Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?
Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
*on a date *
Her: I love hiking, camping…I LOVE THE OUTDOORS!
* trying to impress *
Me: I live outside.
Me: I’m homeless.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8
My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse
-Are you describing Chuck Norris?