Neighbour chat:

“Not bad, thanks, you?”
“Yeah not bad!”
“Haha, see you later!”

Then into the safety of your car, to wonder why you laughed so much for no reason

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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.


[Phone rings]
Babysitter: Hello?
Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs.
Babysitter: Wha.. What’s upstairs?


Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?

Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.


*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?


I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?


*on a date *

Her: I love hiking, camping…I LOVE THE OUTDOORS!

* trying to impress *

Me: I live outside.

Her: What?

Me: I’m homeless.


I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!


Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.


I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8


My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse

-Are you describing Chuck Norris?