*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
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I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.