Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
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If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
damn he’s good
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
peeping toms
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
can you read it!!??
maan!
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.