@ArfMeasures

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

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@TechnicallyRon

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

@treydayway

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

@EBenita0517

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

@GFGander

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

@VapingSonic

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

@taramae72

I just had a nun tell me she loves rum and coke, and that she doesn’t have a beer belly… it’s a “rummy tummy.”

You’re welcome.

@TheBoydP

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

@skickwriter

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.