Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

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Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!


So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”

My hair is purple, guys. Purple.


[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what


My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole


teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that


If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.


Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.


look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat


Facebook people don’t like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.