“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I just had a nun tell me she loves rum and coke, and that she doesn’t have a beer belly… it’s a “rummy tummy.”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.