@TechnicallyRon
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
@ArfMeasures
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
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@TechnicallyRon
@treydayway
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
@AbbieEvansXO
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
@EBenita0517
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
@GFGander
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
@VapingSonic
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
@taramae72
I just had a nun tell me she loves rum and coke, and that she doesn’t have a beer belly… it’s a “rummy tummy.”
You’re welcome.
@TheBoydP
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
@skickwriter
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.