Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
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Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.