@MissNaughty1801

Neighbour: if your son doesn’t stop playing drums right now I’ll lose my mind!!

Me: too late…he’s stopped half an hour ago

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@JohnLyonTweets

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

@_steamy_mac

Gonna start wearing exclusively white jeans. With lots of zippers on them. No pockets, just so many zippers.

@daemonic3

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

@trojansauce

[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE

@iamspacegirl

A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-

Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark

…Ok a FISH is-

Pix: YES.

@Cravin4

There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.

@ADDiane

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

@KeetPotato

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

@Sanbel11

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.