Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Neighbour: if your son doesn’t stop playing drums right now I’ll lose my mind!!
Me: too late…he’s stopped half an hour ago
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Gonna start wearing exclusively white jeans. With lots of zippers on them. No pockets, just so many zippers.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE
A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-
Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark
…Ok a FISH is-
There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.