@ShittyComedian: Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

@LMLMadness: Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

@inanimatecorpse: I'll write a song about you! What's your name? Horse: Agamemnon Agana.. Anga... ang.. 🎵I went through the desert on a horse with no name

@pradacid: “shake what ya momma gave ya!” *starts shaking low self-esteem*

@girlontapas: My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift... She seemed a little upset that I said she should've mailed it ahead of her visit.