Neighbour: if your son doesn’t stop playing drums right now I’ll lose my mind!!

Me: too late…he’s stopped half an hour ago

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“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”


[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.


*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*


Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse


Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.


Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.


How to get mustard out of your white shirt..
1) go to a store
2) buy a new shirt


Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day


ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?


When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.