My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
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The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.