@MissNaughty1801

Neighbour: if your son doesn’t stop playing drums right now I’ll lose my mind!!

Me: too late…he’s stopped half an hour ago

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@nealbrennan

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

@david8hughes

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

@SocialBitterfly

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

@batkaren

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

@sumpeoplelikeit

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

@SteveDutzy

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

@Works4Shots

How to get mustard out of your white shirt..
1) go to a store
2) buy a new shirt

@SteussieErica

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

@chuuew

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

@Breadery

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.