@Jeffwni: - "... He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_ - MILKMAN!! - No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!"

@TheDreamGhoul: I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

@mrjohndarby: [first day as a vet] me: what's the problem cat: meow me: yes but where

@GrabTheWEness: I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how. Not right now, though. I'm waiting for my meth dealer to call.

@AngryRaccoon2: One night my insomnia will pay off and I'll witness a crime being committed outside my window. Until then, I'll keep eating.