@JohnLyonTweets Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
@MissNaughty1801 Neighbour: if your son doesn’t stop playing drums right now I’ll lose my mind!!
Me: too late…he’s stopped half an hour ago
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@JohnLyonTweets 
@_steamy_mac Gonna start wearing exclusively white jeans. With lots of zippers on them. No pockets, just so many zippers.
@RobinMcCauley I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
@daemonic3 You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
@trojansauce [as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE
@iamspacegirl A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-
Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark
…Ok a FISH is-
Pix: YES.
@Cravin4 There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.
@ADDiane The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
@KeetPotato [seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
@Sanbel11 Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.