@murrman5

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

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@WheelTod

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

@hasht4g

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

@Sirrruh

I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission

@moodtooth

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

@iwearaonesie

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

@shatterpants

I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.

@BlvckGrip

A horror movie with an all black cast

“Ayo what’s that noise in your basement?”

“None of my business”

“You right”

*credits*

@NOLAN_MA

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

@bryanmcc74

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !