[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

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I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.


Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?


I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission


I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.


*opens paper towels*
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
me: It’s not f


I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.


A horror movie with an all black cast

“Ayo what’s that noise in your basement?”

“None of my business”

“You right”



Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?


How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !