[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

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[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything


There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.


[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT


Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.


EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.


Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”


I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.