[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
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Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
i hate you platonically
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class