@murrman5

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

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@lisaxy424

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

@zorgod

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

@LoveNLunchmeat

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

@_sunshine25_

EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.

@MandiAtRandom

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

@Stella1070

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.