@MaybePileJokes

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

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@LosLos__

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.

Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?

*pulls out pillow*

@PinkCamoTO

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

@Renie_Rivas

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

@krisv_723

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

@AnOrangeSNES

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

@FreddieCampion

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

@mostly_cheese

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

@FaisalAdam_

Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”

@jennifereblue

I don’t remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!

@Laser_Cat

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.