@MaybePileJokes

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

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@MommaWordsIt

Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I’d need a ouija board

@ambamthankyamam

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

@underfleeker

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

@ChaseMit

Just found out Fox News’s website has a Science section, which I assume links to a video of Sean Hannity screaming at a biology textbook.

@hythemafia

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

@slackerjorge

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

@fightgeek

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

@dave_cactus

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

@warmyellowlight

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there