I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
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peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah