Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.
Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?
*pulls out pillow*
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
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H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”
I don’t remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.