[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
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My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Skills
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.