@Shelts99

Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:Glowing
Neighbour:Pregnant?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You’re sick
Me:You’re next

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@copymama

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

@chuuew

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

@SouthTXproblems

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

@ranndrew

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

@mjkspeaks

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

@huntigula

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

@JaneBadall

“I’d hit that.” Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.

@Birdhumms

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

@Social_Mime

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

@StickyickyBuns

Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?