Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You’re sick
Me:You’re next

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5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.


ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?


Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.


I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.



THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.


confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”


“I’d hit that.” Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.


A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids


You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.


Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?