My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
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Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”