Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
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Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.