@anthonyzach

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

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@AlsBoy

Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

@cavaticat

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

@Darlainky

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

@juliussharpe

People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”

@TjSmooth0

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

@EdwindelaRenta

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking