Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

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Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either


[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.


ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream


I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.


People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”


*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”


me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking