“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
me: a carrot is a crop
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My ex’s ex and my left hand are dating.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson
The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
DATE: So what do you do?
ME (a night watchman): I’m a night—
DATE: I hope it’s something thrilling