Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.