Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.


Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas


me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose


Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.


Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*


Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin


DATE: So what do you do?

ME (a night watchman): I’m a night—

DATE: I hope it’s something thrilling

ME: —shyamalan