My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
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[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Can I ask you something?”
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service!
*takes off pants*
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.