neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
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Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.