@kieransofar

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

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@timdonakowski

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

@Nikkeya08

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

@T_Bonezzz_

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

@TheAndrewNadeau

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

@BGH70

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

@ericsshadow

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

@hughlaurie

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.