Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
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Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.