(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
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The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
A roof is a house hat.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
The human personality is made of five key elements
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE