*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
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Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
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Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks