[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
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He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Death certificates are our last participation award.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.