NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
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You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.