@ShortSleeveSuit

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

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@PaperWash

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

@ceejoyner

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

@AbbieEvansXO

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

@TweetPotato314

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

@Cpin42

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

@VexingVixxen

I watch murder shows instead of romantic comedies because I prefer to watch shows about things that actually have the possibility of happening for me.

@daemonic3

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

@ryaninco

North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.

@DirtMcTurd

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones