Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
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TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
If only
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
When your man makes a valid point
catch me on valentine’s day like
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.