So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
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If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.