Him: (sobbing) just tell me why you’re leaving me
Me: I’m just not ready for a serious relationship
Him: but… we’re married
Me: yeah I gotta go
Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk
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No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Been in an accident? Know someone who’s been in an accident? If not, call us & we’ll come push you down the stairs or something.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.