@andylevy

Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk

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@not_delicate

Him: (sobbing) just tell me why you’re leaving me

Me: I’m just not ready for a serious relationship

Him: but… we’re married

Me: yeah I gotta go

@sixfootcandy

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

@TheCiscoKidder

I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

@Pro_Jones_

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

@huntigula

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

@BackrowSeats

Been in an accident? Know someone who’s been in an accident? If not, call us & we’ll come push you down the stairs or something.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

@ClassADude

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

@famouscrab

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

@trevso_electric

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.