– people who give 110%
Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk
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Ice skating is like walking in cursive
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, “First let me see the sandwich.”
Me: Read this tweet.
Me: Is it racist?
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Me: *deletes tweet*
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?
Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Drink coffee. It saves lives. One cup will decrease your chances of murdering someone in the morning.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”