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BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I’m putting together a team
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.