Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.