I’m wearing my big rolled up socks again today and I’m doing so with pride. So all you haters can get in a taxi and chip off.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
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My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.