NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
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*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her