NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

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I’m wearing my big rolled up socks again today and I’m doing so with pride. So all you haters can get in a taxi and chip off.


Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.


My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.


They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.


Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail


The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.


I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.


[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?


GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.