@generaldietz

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

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@IncrediblyRich

I’m wearing my big rolled up socks again today and I’m doing so with pride. So all you haters can get in a taxi and chip off.

@SamReidSays

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

@PondHockeyPro

My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.

@myonlymizztake

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

@Samzen_

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

@Swishergirl24

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

@Lisabug74

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

@oxygenplug

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

@MattMcElaney

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.