@generaldietz

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

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@WheelTod

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

@wittwitbarista

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

@OctopusCaveman

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

@MorticiaKate

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

@causticbob

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

@PhuckedCody

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

@TheToddWilliams

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

@RiaWojo

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

@jdforshort

If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert