*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
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[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters