I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
You Might Also Like
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*