[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
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Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.