Him: *recites romantic speech he wrote about his undying love for me*
Priest: And the bride?
Me: *realising my vows weren’t supposed to be a list of the shit I won’t put up with* um, pass.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
Alright ok fine
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A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
Angel: you killed them all
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him