Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
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“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
#winning
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
From Facebook just now…
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”