Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
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I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now