Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?

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me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins


honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah


Obama: I’m going to miss living in the White Hou-
Biden: DUUUDE look at my roll!
Obama: MAAAN is that UR Kotori?


Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.


Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?


When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.


Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti


[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*