me: I think my blood’s haunted
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?
You Might Also Like
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Obama: I’m going to miss living in the White Hou-
Biden: DUUUDE look at my roll!
Obama: MAAAN is that UR Kotori?
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.
The REAL 5 second rule?
If you can get to it before the dog, it’s yours.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.