“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
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Fat chances are my favorite chances
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
This fish is cracking me up
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.